I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
