I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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