Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
