I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
