YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
