WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
