after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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