you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Boobs speak an international language.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
