Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize