Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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