If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
