hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
