just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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