i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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