I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
