Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
