I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
