She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize