I just cut my nipple shaving
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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