I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
