I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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