I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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