fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
