u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
