He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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