i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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