OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm too high and old for this...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
