Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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