Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
