i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
