sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
