he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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