We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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