Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
