I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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