Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
