I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
