I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
