does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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