ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just threw up on my dentist
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
