While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
