Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
