wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
