I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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