just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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