we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have aggressive nipples.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
