So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
