you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
