I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
