I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
