tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
