Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
