Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
