Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I love you. Go after that dick
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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