I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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